It’s my birthday today… 08.01.2010 a day to remember or to forget?

Only a few days after new year and already been going through alot. I wish i can tell everything let me start one by one.

Let’s see, I shall start from Tuesday nite, ‘he’ has been msging me once after work till 8pm+ he asked me out, I wouldn’t say it’s a date to me I wanna take it as a yumcha session but it’s only me and him. ‘He’ reached my place at about 9pm+ and then said wanted to go for a drink at Station one, ok since he said he wanna go there and insisted so we went, ‘he’ came and picked me up. The bad side is that, I lied to my bf saying that I am going out for a drink with my roommate but in actual fact I am going out with a guy whom I don’t even know if ‘he’ likes me. I just hope to have a friend who really cares for me when I need someone. Knowing my bf would be furious if he found out that I am going out with a guy and only us!

And so I lied, enjoying my moments with him which I am unsure till now of what I am really feeling off. Turned my Hp to silent mode cuz i wouldn’t know how to answer my bf’s call if he called. During that session, ‘he’ surprised me with a birthday cake knowing that my birthday is coming and ‘he’ wouldn’t have the time to celebrate it with me so he wanna be the 1st to do so. So there goes the normal tradition of celebrating a birthday, sing a bday song, make a wish and blow the candles, in my case there is only one candle available. … hahahhaha but it’s ok i don’t mind either. It was really surprising, I was touched for a moment, but that moment is gonna end with nightmares soon.

Let’s refresh, ‘he’ asked me out I went, at the session there is only 2 of us, ‘he’ said things like, I really like you and if you would give me a chance, it’s really nice being with me, I m full with surprises, I can really take care of you I know the fact that you have a bf but, i don’t care i just want you to be happy, I know that you are always alone here and you and your bf far apart and i can feel no more sparks in your relationship. (the fact that he has a gf too) he is asking me to join his lil 2 timing scam i would say……… but i told him from the start i like his attention but i love my bf alot and i can never leave him. The only thing that is lacking in my relationship with my bf is that he doesn’t have time for me.

I was not confused, ‘he’ knows he doesnt stand a chance… yet he still wanna care. I like his attention havent been getting those for the past 6 years. THEN, my hp was on silent mode, bf keept calling for the past half an hour i think, some how or rather the phone asnwer by itself and whatever ‘he’ said was being heard by my bf…….

to be cont..

need to rush back to pd after work which is tis moment.. i m grounded by my bf now.. he is in control now .. shit me… happy bday to me i n myself.. i wish and hope i know wat i really want.

BLESS ME

HOwdy 2010!!!!… gudbye 2009…

Welcome 2010!!!…. It has been a rough year of 2009 finally, it ended which mean I am ONE year OLDER TOO…. Gosh time passes preeeety fast once we hit the age of 25!

Spent the very last bit of 2009 in my car driving myself down to Port Dickson to meet my bf, thanks to my roomie i couldnt get back to PD in time to count down to 2010 together with dearest BF. But it’s ok no big deal actually, cuz my roomie and friends decided to have a bbq party at PD beach, who knows they got caught at work till preeeeeeeetty late……… Anyways, I didt get to join them as my bf was waiting for me at the rented apartment for my roommie and friends and guess what? once I gotten down of my car.. he came over n hug me in public wishing me happy NEw Year by my ears~~ owr.. how sweet!!! he never dares to hug me in public.. guess there is always the 1st time for everything!!

Today, 5th JAnuary 2010 first tuesday of the year I wonder what is ahead, wish i can see my future.. haha some stupid wish i have. Got a news from my Senior manager where she informed us that she is resigining from JS which means end of this month will be her last day of serving JS. I don’t really like her but i never wanted her to leave, leaving us here hanging unsure and uncertain how is our new manager in charge gonna be. *sighing all the way… wat away to spend new year at work.. wHat a news!

As for 2nd day of work, nothing much to do, perang dingin (cold war) with some one, some how or rather he seems to be pissing me off and constantly on my nerves, but then again he finds his way easily to get me smile again. Then again, I won’t let him do the same thing again cuz today he is really getting on my nerves to the MAX!!!

Been telling myself to chill he means nothing to me so i don’t have to care so much what is he gonna do, what is he gonna say, what is he thinking. ARGHHHHHH.. stupid ass.. (*oooppss a bit harsh)

But at the same time i m missing my dearest bf.. this is bad.. i wonder how is this gonna end. Already thinking of the end on first week of new year.. how m i not getting old faster leh!!… hahha

I hope rainny days are dying and my sun shine’s on me way up high above. A toast to myself and everyone who reads my blog and to my dearest close friends, “you know who u are”… love u all.. and wish you all a great year ahead and better FUTURE…. may all the bad things be GONE!! gone for good, may good luck be beside us all the time and most importantly stay HAPPY, CHEERFUL and STAY YOUNG even though age is getting older…

~~Cheers~~

breakup plan backfire……..

wanted to break up with my bf.. I think I still love him too much, at the end I didn’t.

so which mean i had to put up to however he is treating me coz I had chosen the path myself.

M i really in love with him endlessly or am i just being stupid… haih.. a ques which i have to find out the answer myself..

….. me n my stupidity….

…. to be continue… part II

was up till late nite yesterday, quarrel with bf. i wanna end our relationship, i cant take the torture anymore. Who and wat m i to him, the answer is nothing, in that case then y on earth shud i still be with him. since there wont be happy ending.

days passed, time slowly heals, but how long is it gonna take to heal mine? i think i m officially letting him go today… i m gonna break up with him….. today is the day where i m gonna label him as my X.

has loads of things to settle once we break up, cars especially… i will find away…

no turning back this time, no regrets, cuz there wont be happy ending so no point holding on to it for so long. i will be the one hurting myself in the end, it always happens tat way.

i m in pain. i hope it fades away soon.

no more confused no more mixed feelings, it all ends to day.

will try to make tmr a new day, a new chapter, a new way, a new path.

deleting old memories……………………………….good ones n bad ones.

–the end–

…to be continue… part I

work life, not in the field tat i m interested in, i m  not sure how long m i gunna stay here, it feels like i m doing clerical work, anyone lady can do it, dont think they need a degree holder to handle tis position.

this position has not only made me think of wat i really want of my future in my career, but also my future in a lot of ways of how i really feel.

it’s a simple job, anyone can do it, tat is y i have so much free time to think instead of doing work!! Suddenly i miss redang n khye, wonder how is he doing lately, has been a while since i came back frm redang trip 2nd round. Got to chat with him last week once, n today, both days he initiates the conversation. Been missing him a while at a lil’ corner of my heart. Still have a lil’ space for him in my heart n will always do.

Not sure y m i so attracted to him, maybe he treats all chicks the same, maybe this maybe that, a thousands of maybe’s i wonder which maybe’s. I think i should not wonder so much, yet i couldnt stop myself frm wondering. It’s either i am too free, my mind tend to wander around a lot…especially thoughts about khye…

I at least get to keep the memory i had about him, and also get to chat with him from time to time. Day by day i know a lil more about him. He is far beyond my reach, i m so not his type but i do hope i M.. i m badd.. yea i know but i cant help it to be bad.. hahahaha

approximately 3pm we chatted… so happy at least he still remembers me, regardless of watsoever he did, i hope it last…..

 

…..to be continue….

Confused… and lost in my own world

after so loooong….. after my graduation, got my first job my first full pay, finally i m adding post to my blog again.

thank you for all those who cares for me constantly checked on my blog, wanting to know how m i doing, keeping with me up in away. love u all. MUAH

and to CH i think tis is the only way u can get updates of me when u are in US.. haha… i did promise myself i should update my blog often, yet .. the lazinessss in me… hahaha…..

i still cant let go the fact that i let go TRADERS hotel’s offer for the position of Communications exec, n i ended up as cust care assis in JS.. gosh i hate myself more everyday when i think about it, someone please help me to delete my memories… it would be great sometimes to start fresh n new.. haha.. me n my stupid wishes!

 1st job, not hard to handle, but sometimes may result in stress. Trying very hard to maintain a good relationship with everyone but sometimes ppl tend to take my kindness for granted. i dont know how long can i stand with my easy boiled up temper, then again it’s a good start to train myself to learn to be patience with ppl relations or shall i say human relations.

apart from tat, i think i hav issues with my heart, my emotions the way i feel towards someone…. it’s really getting in to me now not really affecting my work, but i think it’s affecting my mood and my mood swings n even been giving problem to myself….

i believe and i forsee the feeling and confuseness will end soon and fast…

 

……….to be cont……

 

 

time to wake up…

Has been a few weeks since i came back from my 2nd trip to redang.. It was SUPERB other than gurls gathering days.. i met who i wanna meet, khye of course.. well he didnt remember me should have known.

anyway found that he is a major player.. in RBR.. but i spent most of the time in d waters with him. He showed me all the underwater world that is hard to be seen if there is no guidance given by the divers. Oh well it was a superb 2nd trip alright.

not only during his work hours he was with me but also after his work hours. Probably coz he has nothing better to do. There werent much ppl on the island that day. He invited me for a one on one guide in the waters near the resort. I saw everything!! the underwater world creatures of coz, i didnt dive just plain snorkeling. He was helding my hand where i felt safe well got what i wanted which is wrong. HIS ATTENTION!!.

then he didnt know that i had him on facebook, upon returning i leave a short msg on FB. Didnt think he would reply.,. but he did. Nothing much he practically just responded to the msg i sent him which is part of manners i think and he is a friendly person and wat surprise me is that he still remembers me.

a week later.. we chatted for a while on FB.. just said hi how r u. how’s things, and tats it!.. he didnt ask for my number now nor did he ask for my number when i was in redang.

Waited for another chat session till today since last week, none.. saw him on FB just now… he didnt even acknowledge me. I guess he had forgotten abt me then coz he is a major player.

I guess what happens in redang stays in redang. Only i am the one who keep bringing it up trying still to be in my silly littly dream that maybe he would have feelings for gurls like me. Guess NOT!

Anyway, it was a great memory with him during my 2nd trip to redang which i am glad n happy and satisfied.

Wish that it would never happen again coz i feel so bad for doing this to my bF.. my beloved BF..   I am so sorry.. i still LOVE YOU no matter what coz u are the only one who understands me and loves me deeply.

Thank you baby. But i do know wat goes around comes around, do hope it will not happen to me in FUTURE. Fingers crossed. At least i didnt do anything behind his back. Maybe emotionally but i know its wrong. Lesson learned but the hard way.

Do not know y would i even fall for the wrong kind and i only have myself to blame.

Its time to WAKE UP!!

What! an offer..

went for an interview today for customer care position but in the end they feel that i am more suitable in sales n marketing..

guess how much they offered? rm2200 and rm100 petrol allowance permth, rm70 hp allowances. The basic salary to me was ok but to think that petrol allowances is the same as cust care exec with me i would feel that i am underpaid, plus cust care do not need to travel and use their own transport but i would need to use my car.. who is going to pay for tyres? maintenance? allignment? breaks? services? and only rm100 for all that? wow the company must be earning a lot coz i feel that they are bullying us the fresh graduates.

i know that we are lack of employment history but do not overpaid us, that is not fair.. plus for me to travel all the way to their office which in located opposite ampang point cost me rm20 perday inclusive of toll.

rm100? is enough for wat? not even enough for me to travel to office and some more they requires me to travel all around klang valley.. i know maybe some of you think that i should take up the job coz the current economy downturn worldwide.. but i am not going too cz i am so underpaid!!

besides sales and marketing is not ma thing’ screw them!!

visit interior.com.my (thats the korean based comp) and they say they are nice.. nice nOT!

Stupid of me to even thought about IT!!

like wounded soldiers… in need of healing

crushed n wounded,

in need of healing,

time to be honest to myself, things are not gonna workout gotta stop dwelling on it, no point keep thinking about it.

cant belive i said its going to be over it is just a matter of time, it does not matter anymore, coz i made my mind up there is no way things are gonna get better,

have to start letting it go, no one will come for me, no matter what gets in their way they would always stop therefore no one is going to come for me and at the end of the day i will always be alone.. alone and alone..

keep telling myself to stop dwelling on it and its time to be honest to myself, FORGET ABOUT IT.

i am actualy pleading myself to stop thinking about it, not young anymore should start doing things that is more meaningful to myself.

should think of myself n family and closest frens the rest does not matter anymore, they dont matter anymore.

now i am seeing things that i couldnt see for the past years, now i know what everyone was telling me.

now i VOW to myself, i would only do things that makes me happy and only me stop caring for others who dont even bother about my wellbeing. no one will come for me, only i would come for myself.

still i m in need of time to heal…. as they say, time heals..

i will always miss u

after what had happen today there is no way i am gonna go back to his hse anymore.. but i will always miss u n d bright side is that we are still together regardless of what had happened today..

i wish i can spend more time with u.. n i wish u will hav more time with mee but sometimes things arent the way we’ve always planned..

lets just hope for the best.. for me n u

i am emotionally tired today.. alone n will always be alone.